I used to think the one book I couldn’t live without as a solo traveller was a guidebook. Then I set out on a 15-month round-the-world backpacking trip. Every ounce of weight and inch of space matters when you’re hauling your world in a backpack. I didn’t know what countries I would visit so I left the guidebooks at home and loaded up my Kindle.
As I sat in a cafe in Madrid, enjoying some quality time with a café con leche, I flipped through my Kindle and picked a book at random.
It changed my life. That book is:
How To Win Friends and Influence People
by Dale Carnegie
See, a lot of people fear solo travel because they think they’ll be alone. In fact, many people are terrified of exactly what I was doing at that moment – eating alone in a cafe. But here is the secret:
As a solo traveller, you can make friends everywhere you go.
I’ll say it again: you can (and will) MAKE FRIENDS EVERYWHERE YOU GO. To the point that you might never be alone again. Even if you want to be.
This book is perfect for solo travellers is because it does exactly what it says it’ll do: tells you how to make friends. Simple as that. But it also gives useful advice about getting people to listen to you, maintaining existing relationships, negotiating, and resolving conflict. All super relevant skills for travellers, solo or otherwise.
If you are heading out on a solo adventure, or just want to be more comfortable making friends, I seriously recommend picking up a copy of this book. If you don’t find a chance to get to it, I’ll share the key points here that I think are the most useful.
1. NEVER CRITICIZE
No one likes to be wrong. And no one likes their shortcomings pointed out to them. Sure, constructive feedback is a growth opportunity and people should accept and learn from it. But “should” and “the reality of human emotions” are very different. People respond more to positive feedback than negative, so focus on what people do right instead of what they do wrong.
Carnegie recommends letting the other person win an argument. Even if they’re wrong. Correcting someone, especially in public, will only motivate them to dig their heels in and defend their position. It’s a matter of pride and they (naturally) want to save face. Let them.
A businessman quoted in this chapter says, “I lost a lot of money winning arguments.” He doesn’t win arguments anymore. He wins friends.
2. EXPRESS SINCERE APPRECIATION
Building on “never criticize”, Carnegie encourages readers to reinforce positive actions. Tell people what they do well. What you admire about them. What you appreciate about them.
People don’t necessarily know what they’re good at or what they’re doing right. Without positive feedback, they might stop doing it. So let them know!
But the key here is sincerity. You have to mean it.
I asked myself, “How can I give lots of compliments that are all sincere? What if people are awful and there’s nothing nice to say about them?” Well, the thing is, I believe there’s something good about everyone, it just might not be obvious. I have to look for it.
And when I started looking for it, I found it.
When I started making an effort to notice people and what they are doing, I started appreciating them more. And liking them more. Hello, new friends.
3. BE GENUINELY INTERESTED IN OTHERS
People love to talk about themselves. This seems to be especially true for travellers. Who doesn’t want to tell the world about their awesome adventures?? I sure do.
But Carnegie says you’ll win more friends by being interested in others than trying to make them interested in you. And a good way to show that you are interested in others is to encourage them to talk about themselves.
The key here is to really listen when the other person is talking. Don’t just wait for your turn to talk. Listen to their story and ask questions. The questions will encourage them to talk more. By the end of the conversation, they will have done 90% of the talking but will think YOU are a fantastic conversationalist. Because you listened and made them feel important.
The amazing thing is that even if you don’t like a person at first, by asking them questions and listening to their stories, you will find something about them that IS genuinely interesting to you.
4. REMEMBER PEOPLE’S NAMES
It’s the easiest, most basic way to show respect. And everyone wants to feel respected. So when they tell you their name, remember it. And use it frequently! In fact, that will help you remember it, so win-win.
Remembering names can be hard. Especially if you’re travelling and you meet new people every day and God knows if you’ll ever see them again so does it reeeeally matter?
Yes, it does.
The world is shrinking and coincidences happen more than we expect. A person you think you will never see again just might be on your train to Vienna. Or five years from now they might be your boss. You never know. It’s important to remember people’s names because it makes them feel important. And when you make people feel important, they will like you. And there you have another new friend.
5. SMILE
Early on in my travels, someone told me my smile would get me everything. It didn’t get me everything but it sure did get a lot of free beer, better customer service, and new friends.
Carnegie reminds us that happiness does not come from external circumstances. It’s about your attitude and how you choose to see the world. Smiling – even when you don’t feel like it – emits joyful signals to your brain and the people around you.
Smiling makes you look friendly and approachable. And bonus – smiles are free to give! So give them away with reckless abandon! Just be smiling all over place! People all over the world will love you for it.
The book is easy to read and full of success stories from people who applied Carnegie’s advice in business and their personal lives. It was published in 1936 and some of the examples are cheesy but Carnegie’s advice is timeless. So throw a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People in your backpack and get ready for a world of new friends.
